Visiting Dad and Jen

On the Saturday before Father's Day our little family went to visit my father's grave. He had just gotten his headstone that week.
I think Julie did a beautiful job selecting everything including the scripture "Men are that they might have Joy".

Jen, my step sister, is right next to my dad. We took some time to think and talk about her.

We picked flowers from my sage plant to place at the graves. We cleaned the headstones as best as we could.

Adelle wanted to give each of them something so she carefully selected a pine cone and placed one on each grave. I miss my dad.

Remembering

The grief is hitting my girls in ways I never would have imagined. They have been more on edge with each other and more prone to fight. When the dark, misty night settled in yesterday they both began crying, right at the dinner table. I tried to cheer them up in my silly way. I told them that if they kept crying that their pizza would get soggy or float away. Wes and I of course took the girls under our wings. We all gathered for a group hug. We found time to be silly and tried to remind them to be nice to each other without being too firm. I let them know that Grandpa wouldn't want them to be sad. There will be some hard days ahead. I tried to explain to Adelle what a funeral is. She asked later in the day when the "death party" is going to be. I know that the funeral will be somewhat unnerving and I pray that it will go well. Even Violet appears effected. I think she can sense the feelings of others. All she wanted to do for hours yesterday afternoon into the evening was eat. It was comforting for her. She had a harder time going down to bed, but she did go down. I hope when I put her back down in a minute that she will continue to get some sleep.

Later this morning we will meet to plan the funeral. It is likely I will be involved somehow whether it be singing or talking. I remember singing for my mother's funeral and my step-sister's funeral. It is very difficult, but important to those listening. Sarah said as long as we don't sing Amazing Grace she hopes she would be able to manage. We sang Amazing Grace at my mom's funeral.

To be without both of my natural parents before the age of 30 is difficult. It makes my childhood a little sad and painful right now. To think back to my life as a child makes me cry. I feel like my childhood has been turned into a museum piece. Watching one of my favorite childhood movies with the girls last night was one thing that made the tears start flowing. I haven't had a lot of moments to cry yet. I know the tears will come and I'm sure at some of the most unexpected times.


I haven't had too much time to focus and really think about everything yet. It is all so new and there is so much to do to take care of my own children and to help them feel safe and loved. Helping someone else takes the focus off me and my feelings. I know I will get time to have it hit me more. I remember with my mother.

Dad was amazing. He wasn't perfect. None of us are, but he taught me so much. He was one of the most sentimental people I know. I know that is how I became a sentimental person. He loved presents with heart whether it was a monkey puppet that reminded him of his childhood or a letter; that was what touched him.

He was quite reflective when he visited me at the hospital when I had Violet. He was thinking back to the heart attack he had 4 years earlier. He spoke of enjoying every day. He was so happy to see Violet. He took pictures on his cell phone and was so proud of her. It was the last time we spoke in person and I will always cherish that memory.

Missing Him

I got a call from my sister early this morning. She was crying and the first thought that passed through my mind was that my grandmother had passed away. She fell two days ago and is in the hospital. To my dismay though she informed me that my father has passed away. I was just shocked. My father has been relatively healthy these past few years. He did have a heart attack about 4 years ago, but he has been well since then. His heart just couldn't handle the attack this morning. It is hard to suddenly have him gone. The first few hours after losing a loved one are always challenging, not only because you realize that someone you care for is no longer alive, but because of the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead you have to face without them.

I went to the hospital this morning to spend some time with family and with my dad even though he had already passed away. I brought my little Violet with me. I haven't ever left her before and I wasn't even sure if she would take a bottle. Besides it was a comfort to have my little one there. My grandmother and brother saw Violet for the first time, It was especially good to see my grandmother smile at her new great-grandbaby. It was strange though to see the pale skin of my father and the bright, beautiful skin of a newborn; to have new life so close to death. It was surreal to sit in the hall feeding my little girl listening to the heart monitors of other patients and know that my father's heart will never beat again.

Despite everything I am so grateful for my beliefs. It is comforting to know I will see my father again. I know I will still cry, still miss him, and still wish that he wasn't taken so soon, but feeling the Holy Ghost comforting me is a wonderful blessing.

My father has written songs for all of my girls. Julie (my step-mom) told me that my dad had just finished Violet's song. He had played it for Julie just this past Sunday. I never will get to hear it in this life though. It hasn't been recorded. I wonder if my little Adelle was prompted or perhaps it is just coincidence, but Adelle actually wrote a song for Violet last night. It is simple and sweet.

I am glad I will always have my father's music. He of course is listed as my favorite musician on my blog. He truly is. He was never famous or made it rich, but I loved his music. He loved playing at the Roof Restaurant every Saturday night. I know his music will be missed there.

I know there will be an outpouring of love from everywhere. My dad touched so many lives and meant so much to so many people. I hope that people will know about his death so they can be there to say goodbye. I know how important that is to us as humans. We want that final moment to honor those we love.

I worry about Julie so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my love and companion. I hope we will be able to buoy her up in the days to come. I adore her and want to do anything I can to help her.

Wes is a wonderful support to me and even though he is sad he has been wonderful to help me. Right now we are just gathered in our home decompressing, calling loved ones, and coping. I know there will be work to do yet with funeral arrangements. The viewing is going to be Wednesday and the funeral will be Thursday.

I just had to write out my thoughts. It is part of my process of coming to terms. I also want those who love him to know. I will still be here. I will be missing him, my wonderful father, but I'll still be here.