Remembering

The grief is hitting my girls in ways I never would have imagined. They have been more on edge with each other and more prone to fight. When the dark, misty night settled in yesterday they both began crying, right at the dinner table. I tried to cheer them up in my silly way. I told them that if they kept crying that their pizza would get soggy or float away. Wes and I of course took the girls under our wings. We all gathered for a group hug. We found time to be silly and tried to remind them to be nice to each other without being too firm. I let them know that Grandpa wouldn't want them to be sad. There will be some hard days ahead. I tried to explain to Adelle what a funeral is. She asked later in the day when the "death party" is going to be. I know that the funeral will be somewhat unnerving and I pray that it will go well. Even Violet appears effected. I think she can sense the feelings of others. All she wanted to do for hours yesterday afternoon into the evening was eat. It was comforting for her. She had a harder time going down to bed, but she did go down. I hope when I put her back down in a minute that she will continue to get some sleep.

Later this morning we will meet to plan the funeral. It is likely I will be involved somehow whether it be singing or talking. I remember singing for my mother's funeral and my step-sister's funeral. It is very difficult, but important to those listening. Sarah said as long as we don't sing Amazing Grace she hopes she would be able to manage. We sang Amazing Grace at my mom's funeral.

To be without both of my natural parents before the age of 30 is difficult. It makes my childhood a little sad and painful right now. To think back to my life as a child makes me cry. I feel like my childhood has been turned into a museum piece. Watching one of my favorite childhood movies with the girls last night was one thing that made the tears start flowing. I haven't had a lot of moments to cry yet. I know the tears will come and I'm sure at some of the most unexpected times.


I haven't had too much time to focus and really think about everything yet. It is all so new and there is so much to do to take care of my own children and to help them feel safe and loved. Helping someone else takes the focus off me and my feelings. I know I will get time to have it hit me more. I remember with my mother.

Dad was amazing. He wasn't perfect. None of us are, but he taught me so much. He was one of the most sentimental people I know. I know that is how I became a sentimental person. He loved presents with heart whether it was a monkey puppet that reminded him of his childhood or a letter; that was what touched him.

He was quite reflective when he visited me at the hospital when I had Violet. He was thinking back to the heart attack he had 4 years earlier. He spoke of enjoying every day. He was so happy to see Violet. He took pictures on his cell phone and was so proud of her. It was the last time we spoke in person and I will always cherish that memory.