Violet is a Month Old

This past Thursday Violet turned one month old. Unfortunately it was the day of my dad's funeral, but I am so happy to have my new, little girl. This is the outfit Violet started out in before we left for the viewing, but in her customary style she peed while I was changing her diaper and soaked her outfit. This is a very common occurrence for my Violet and we have to be very quick when getting a new diaper under her.

Violet rolled over for the first time at two or three weeks old. As you can tell she was very upset at the time. I think it was entirely accidental as she hasn't done it again since.

Violet is starting to smile when she is awake and it is absolutely precious! Here are some other fun facts about Violet.

She absolutely LOVES to stare at her white blinds while we change her diaper. It is fascinating to her and she will just coo away at them. She also likes the white curtains.

She used to hate baths, but is starting to like them.

Violet will usually only wake once during the night. She does sometimes have a hard time going down though for the first time in the evening.

She is still a great nurser.

Violet was happy and awake for a whole hour yesterday. She enjoyed making noises, smiling, and looking around, especially at her blinds.

Violet is outgrowing most of her newborn clothes already and is wearing some 3-6 month clothing already.

I love my baby and I can't imagine life without her!

The Viewing and Funeral

Wednesday night was the viewing at the McDougal Funeral home. Our family arrived on time. Adelle and Lydia cried right away when they saw Grandpa in the casket. Lydia didn't want to see Grandpa up close. Adelle on the other hand kept going over to the casket and blowing kisses and crying. It was a hard night for both girls. My in-laws took them over to their house after they went through the line. Violet slept almost the whole time until towards the end when she got hungry. I didn't think that my dad looked too great. He was so pale and looked older than he really did in life.

I saw so many people I hadn't seen in years, including old friends from the neighborhood I grew up in. I was so busy visiting with people I didn't have much time to feel anything. The last person to come to the viewing was a man that had grown up in the same neighborhood as me. I found out that he actually was the paramedic that responded the morning my dad had his heart attack. My dad recognized him immediately. When they were going to the hospital my dad told the paramedic that he felt like he was going to die and asked for a blessing. Both paramedics were LDS and did give him a blessing. The paramedic said after the blessing was over my dad was peaceful. I'm so glad that someone was there that my dad knew and I'm so glad he was able to receive a blessing and find peace. After everyone was gone I did have a moment to see my Dad with Wes by my side. It allowed me a brief moment to touch his hair and to have a moment of closure.

The next morning before the funeral was hectic. None of us at our house was in the best of spirits. We did manage to get out the door though and to the Thursday viewing and funeral. Thanks to Lydia reminding me we brought a CD player and my dad's latest CD to play during the viewing. So many people came including my coworkers and some really close friends from years ago. I wish I would have had more time to visit with everyone. I feed Violet right as everyone was saying their final goodbye's. I was glad I'd had some time the night before with my father.

We went into the funeral and I spoke. I read the obituary, spoke about my father's history, and then related memories and things my father taught me. I spoke of his strong work ethic, his love of music, his love of family, and his strong testimony. After me Mr. Moore played "Without You" (a song from my dad's latest CDs). Then a friend from my father's ward spoke. Then Sarah, Phillip and I sang "Country Roads". Then the last speaker spoke. He read some of my father's words. My father had written down his near death experience when he had his first heart attack. It was very touching to hear.

We then headed to the cemetery. It was so cold and the wind was blowing really hard. Violet woke up and was hungry. Instead of trying to feed her in the wind I feed her in the car, which meant I didn't get to hear the grave dedication. Wes and Lydia let me know what had taken place though. The pallbearers were asked to leave their flowers on the casket then we everyone was invited to take flowers from the spray. Wes brought me a beautiful pinkish, violet rose. We headed back to the church and ate lunch with family members. I was super hungry after the long day.

I felt very strong and together the whole day when I was surrounded by people. For some reason that is what my mind and body do when there are tasks to be done. That evening though I felt like I had been run over physically and emotionally. I have had my moments to cry and miss my father. I hope people don't think that I'm not missing him when they see me not crying. I don't know why I react that why in front of others. On Friday I was driving to Costco when an ambulance whizzed by with it's lights and sirens on. It oddly set me off and I started crying. I know I'll make it through. I hope to be able to look after those that have been left behind. I also hope to find quiet moments to remember my father.

What have my girls been up to?

My wonderful sister-in-law posted some really fun pictures and stories of my girls. She and my mother-in-law have been watching them here and there these past few days. I love them!

Here is the link to her blog: http://jollyrogerlove.info/blog.asp

Official Obituary and Guestbook

My Dad's official obituary and online guestbook are FINALLY up. Here is the link: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=robert-gandy&pid=138677442

Funeral Plans

Tired, Tired, Tired! Violet wouldn't go down until 11:30 last night and then woke up at 3:30, 5:15, and again at 7:45. I think she hasn't been sleeping as well because I have been out running errands and allowing her to sleep more. Also I was suddenly exhausted yesterday afternoon and let Violet sleep with me in my bed. I am eventually going to have to get her back to some sort of routine if I want to get any type of rest at night.

I went to the funeral home yesterday and met Julie and two of her sisters there. We chose a beautiful coffin for my Dad. It is a dark mahogany wood and it looks almost like the wood from a grand piano which we thought was fitting for my dad. The interior is lined will a cream velvet. May I say, coffins are not cheap!

After the funeral home we went over to Harmon's flowers and selected a spray for the top of the coffin and two side arrangements. Julie wanted to go with blue, white and purple flowers. I thing they will look beautiful. May I also say, flowers are not cheap.

I was able to find the music online for the song that Sarah, Phillip and I will be singing which is great. Wes printed it off for me and I delivered it to a fabulous woman in the ward who will be playing for us.

I delivered my Dad's new CD to Kerry Moore who will be playing one of Dad's songs at the funeral.

The morning went well. It felt good to be able to help Julie and to support her. When I got home though I found myself suddenly exhausted. I hate how grief will suddenly physically manifest. That is when I foolishly allowed Violet to sleep with me. I just felt like I couldn't stay awake anymore. I will probably wake up eventually this morning and shouldn't complain.

Sarah was busy with my grandma yesterday. She is really having a hard time physically and emotionally.

Today Phillip, Sarah and I need to find time to rehearse. I am sure other things will come up in the day that need to be done as well. I can't believe the viewing is tomorrow night already. I really need to take time to write out some thoughts since I will be speaking in the funeral.

I can do all this! Heavenly Father must think I can handle a lot. I won't prove him wrong.

Adelle's First Lost Tooth

"Adelle's Lost Tooth"

"Illustrated by Adelle" (there are no drawings though)

"Written by Adelle"

"Adelle was at grandma's house and was eating when Adelle lost a tooth. Adelle was excited. The End"

Don't you just love the crazy picture of Adelle with her first little hole from losing a tooth. She called herself the celebration girl all day with her party hat and celebration necklace thanks to Grandma and Aunt Erica. I'm glad the tooth was lost so painlessly while eating a bologna sandwich at grandma's. She has been quite nervous about losing her tooth. She is my little anxiety girl and is often worried about things from our house catching on fire to losing her first tooth. The tooth fairy left her two dollars last night and she is super excited to let everyone know at school that she lost her tooth. I love my girl.

Coping

I am pretty tired this morning. Violet decided not to go down until midnight. I'm sure I'll manage though. I had some hard moments yesterday. I did go to church because I can't think of a better place to be when you are going through something difficult. It is interesting what will affect you, like the song "I am a Child of God". It was sad to sing "has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear". Of course I still have parents even if they have passed away, but still it touched a soft spot. I have found though that my body rarely allows me to cry in public. I'm not sure why, but that is how I operate.

I did have a hard moment after dinner last night as the evening was settling in. I am glad I turned to the scriptures. My mind wasn't wanting to do any reading of chapters. Instead I flipped through the scriptures finding highlighted ones. There were some that really applied to me and helped me pull myself up again.

Wes went and rented some movies and bought doughnuts. I'm sad to say I consumed more than my share. I should stop turning to food and not use it as a coping method. Wes and I watched Julie and Julia. I loved it and it really helped me. I have always loved good movies because they can take me out of my element and help me feel better. That is exactly what Julie and Julia did for me.

I wish I could turn away from all the funeral preparations that need to be done. That is one of the worst things to me. It needs to be done though. I cannot leave my sister and others to take on the full burden of preparing for it. There are also concerns about my grandmother and my brother and making sure they are well taken care of. That is something that my father did. My sister and her husband have really done so much for both of them and I know that I need to find ways to help, even if they are little ways. It is hard with a newborn to get much done some days, but I need to try.

Speaking of my newborn, I really hopes she will do well during the services since I will need to sing and talk. As long as she isn't crying or hungry it should go well. I am hoping it will be pretty much like church where she will sleep in the sling practically the whole time.

Well I will just have to see what the days ahead bring.

Your Support

I just want to take a minute to thank all of you for your support and love. I have really appreciated the comments on my blog and on facebook, your calls, visits and flowers. It really means so much to me to know that there is a network of loving, caring people buoying me up. Thank you!!

Yesterday was a draining day. The obituary was written, but when I submitted it to the paper to be published I was silly enough to put on the wrong phone number. Thanks to the wrong phone number and not being near my computer payment was unable to be collected so the obituary will not be in Sunday's paper. It will probably end up being in the Tuesday paper since the newspaper is closed Sunday. I felt like such an idiot, but given the amount of stress I was under at the time and everything else that is going on I know it is understandable. Thank heavens for the social networking that allows me to get the word out about services anyway.

It has been decided that my sister, brother and I will sing at the services and I will be talking. Hopefully everything will go well and the services will be beautiful.

Obituary

We lost our dear husband, father, son, brother, and grandfather who was known for his big heart and generosity, but his physical heart failed him on January 15, 2010. He was born in Baltimore, Maryland July 21, 1951. He cherished every day and appreciated the gifts life has to offer, especially his family and music. He was a gifted musician and his music will always be a gift to us and will live on forever.

Preceded in death by his father Jack E. Gandy and step-daughter Jennifer Parker. Survived by his wife Julie Gandy, mother Virginia Walter, brother Jack Gandy, Children Sarah (Matt), Elizabeth (Wes), Phillip, and step-children Allie and Ken, grandchildren Lydia, Adelle, Violet and Cedric.

Viewing will be at the McDougal Funeral Home 4330 S. Redwood Rd. in SLC Wednesday, January 20 from 6 to 8 PM. Services will be held at the LDS chapel 3045 Bernina Drive (5800 S), SLC at 11 AM on Thursday, Jan 21. A viewing will be held before the services from 9:30 to 10:30 AM.

Remembering

The grief is hitting my girls in ways I never would have imagined. They have been more on edge with each other and more prone to fight. When the dark, misty night settled in yesterday they both began crying, right at the dinner table. I tried to cheer them up in my silly way. I told them that if they kept crying that their pizza would get soggy or float away. Wes and I of course took the girls under our wings. We all gathered for a group hug. We found time to be silly and tried to remind them to be nice to each other without being too firm. I let them know that Grandpa wouldn't want them to be sad. There will be some hard days ahead. I tried to explain to Adelle what a funeral is. She asked later in the day when the "death party" is going to be. I know that the funeral will be somewhat unnerving and I pray that it will go well. Even Violet appears effected. I think she can sense the feelings of others. All she wanted to do for hours yesterday afternoon into the evening was eat. It was comforting for her. She had a harder time going down to bed, but she did go down. I hope when I put her back down in a minute that she will continue to get some sleep.

Later this morning we will meet to plan the funeral. It is likely I will be involved somehow whether it be singing or talking. I remember singing for my mother's funeral and my step-sister's funeral. It is very difficult, but important to those listening. Sarah said as long as we don't sing Amazing Grace she hopes she would be able to manage. We sang Amazing Grace at my mom's funeral.

To be without both of my natural parents before the age of 30 is difficult. It makes my childhood a little sad and painful right now. To think back to my life as a child makes me cry. I feel like my childhood has been turned into a museum piece. Watching one of my favorite childhood movies with the girls last night was one thing that made the tears start flowing. I haven't had a lot of moments to cry yet. I know the tears will come and I'm sure at some of the most unexpected times.


I haven't had too much time to focus and really think about everything yet. It is all so new and there is so much to do to take care of my own children and to help them feel safe and loved. Helping someone else takes the focus off me and my feelings. I know I will get time to have it hit me more. I remember with my mother.

Dad was amazing. He wasn't perfect. None of us are, but he taught me so much. He was one of the most sentimental people I know. I know that is how I became a sentimental person. He loved presents with heart whether it was a monkey puppet that reminded him of his childhood or a letter; that was what touched him.

He was quite reflective when he visited me at the hospital when I had Violet. He was thinking back to the heart attack he had 4 years earlier. He spoke of enjoying every day. He was so happy to see Violet. He took pictures on his cell phone and was so proud of her. It was the last time we spoke in person and I will always cherish that memory.

Missing Him

I got a call from my sister early this morning. She was crying and the first thought that passed through my mind was that my grandmother had passed away. She fell two days ago and is in the hospital. To my dismay though she informed me that my father has passed away. I was just shocked. My father has been relatively healthy these past few years. He did have a heart attack about 4 years ago, but he has been well since then. His heart just couldn't handle the attack this morning. It is hard to suddenly have him gone. The first few hours after losing a loved one are always challenging, not only because you realize that someone you care for is no longer alive, but because of the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead you have to face without them.

I went to the hospital this morning to spend some time with family and with my dad even though he had already passed away. I brought my little Violet with me. I haven't ever left her before and I wasn't even sure if she would take a bottle. Besides it was a comfort to have my little one there. My grandmother and brother saw Violet for the first time, It was especially good to see my grandmother smile at her new great-grandbaby. It was strange though to see the pale skin of my father and the bright, beautiful skin of a newborn; to have new life so close to death. It was surreal to sit in the hall feeding my little girl listening to the heart monitors of other patients and know that my father's heart will never beat again.

Despite everything I am so grateful for my beliefs. It is comforting to know I will see my father again. I know I will still cry, still miss him, and still wish that he wasn't taken so soon, but feeling the Holy Ghost comforting me is a wonderful blessing.

My father has written songs for all of my girls. Julie (my step-mom) told me that my dad had just finished Violet's song. He had played it for Julie just this past Sunday. I never will get to hear it in this life though. It hasn't been recorded. I wonder if my little Adelle was prompted or perhaps it is just coincidence, but Adelle actually wrote a song for Violet last night. It is simple and sweet.

I am glad I will always have my father's music. He of course is listed as my favorite musician on my blog. He truly is. He was never famous or made it rich, but I loved his music. He loved playing at the Roof Restaurant every Saturday night. I know his music will be missed there.

I know there will be an outpouring of love from everywhere. My dad touched so many lives and meant so much to so many people. I hope that people will know about his death so they can be there to say goodbye. I know how important that is to us as humans. We want that final moment to honor those we love.

I worry about Julie so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my love and companion. I hope we will be able to buoy her up in the days to come. I adore her and want to do anything I can to help her.

Wes is a wonderful support to me and even though he is sad he has been wonderful to help me. Right now we are just gathered in our home decompressing, calling loved ones, and coping. I know there will be work to do yet with funeral arrangements. The viewing is going to be Wednesday and the funeral will be Thursday.

I just had to write out my thoughts. It is part of my process of coming to terms. I also want those who love him to know. I will still be here. I will be missing him, my wonderful father, but I'll still be here.

Our World Right Now

The whole family loves to gather around Violet when she is awake and ready to visit with us. The girls haven't been able to spend too much time around their sister recently though. Both of them caught the stomach flu bug and have been pretty sick. Adelle got over it in a few days after being violently sick. Lydia still has a fever and we really hope she will be feeling better soon.

Violet is growing more and more all the time. At her two week appointment last Tuesday she was 8 pounds 6 ounces and 23 inches long. She is 80% for her weight; her length is off the charts; and her head is average. Some days go pretty well around here and other days are more challenging. Last night was a particularly hard night. Violet was up frequently wanting to eat and has been more fussy than usual. I wonder if she is going through a growth spurt. I have taken to watching lots of TV, reading, or watching movies since Violet is frequently wanting to eat which means I am stuck sitting down. I am hoping to get her to sleep in her rocker seat today so I can get some sort of a nap and avoid walking around in a sleepy haze all day. I don't want her to get in the habit of sleeping in my arms.

I absolutely adore being her mom despite the lack of sleep. She smiled at me yesterday for just a moment while she was awake. Adelle and I really enjoyed reading stories last night for over an hour. We would take turns reading based on Violet's mood at the moment. I miss my Lydia girl since she has been downstairs trying to get better. We have her all set up with a TV and VCR so she can watch movies. Wes has been wonderful to get her the things that she needs. That is our world right now. It is a small little sphere for me, but I am content.

Daddy's Girl and Family News

This was taken during one of Violet's "wakeful" periods. She is wide awake for about 1-2 hours a day. The rest is spent eating, sleeping, etc. The girls still absolutely love her and think she is the sweetest thing ever. She is still sleeping in her bouncy seat and still loves being swaddled. One night she actually slept 8 hours straight! She usually will get up once or twice in the night though. I would eventually like to transition her to the bassinett or crib, but right now she really prefers the bouncy seat and I haven't found the energy at night to really stick to it. Violet was two weeks old yesterday and she has her two week appointment later today. Hopefully everything will go well.

Other news on the home front:

Wes is AMAZING! Our heater broke on New Year's Eve. He and his dad found a temporary solution to allow us to still get heat until the problem was fixed. Wes was able to buy a new part today for the furnace and fixed it all by himself! He really is so awesome!!

The girls have started back school again. They were a big help during the break. They washed dishes, swept floors, cleaned toilets. I really appreciated them. They still of course found time to watch movies, play games, and to cause some general mischief. Adelle decided to break into a Science Kit that Santa had given the girls. She managed to get some paint on the playroom carpet and to make a general mess. She felt SUPER GUILTY which was most of her punishment. She is too much like me. The paint really didn't come off too much. Instead of a dark green it is now a light green more dispersed in the carpet fibers.

Lydia is growing up more and more every day. She is becoming more conscious of her self image and friends are becoming more important in her life. I hope this next phase goes smoothly and that she will still find mom fun and cool.

I am recovering well except I recently tweaked my shoulder. It is an old injury but I am just trying to use it less. I have started "wearing" Violet more (on my right side of course) which has allowed me to feel somewhat useful again. I managed to get the dishes done, sweep the floor, and to get a roast in the crock pot. I should be careful not to overdue it though.