Missing Him

I got a call from my sister early this morning. She was crying and the first thought that passed through my mind was that my grandmother had passed away. She fell two days ago and is in the hospital. To my dismay though she informed me that my father has passed away. I was just shocked. My father has been relatively healthy these past few years. He did have a heart attack about 4 years ago, but he has been well since then. His heart just couldn't handle the attack this morning. It is hard to suddenly have him gone. The first few hours after losing a loved one are always challenging, not only because you realize that someone you care for is no longer alive, but because of the hours, days, weeks, and months ahead you have to face without them.

I went to the hospital this morning to spend some time with family and with my dad even though he had already passed away. I brought my little Violet with me. I haven't ever left her before and I wasn't even sure if she would take a bottle. Besides it was a comfort to have my little one there. My grandmother and brother saw Violet for the first time, It was especially good to see my grandmother smile at her new great-grandbaby. It was strange though to see the pale skin of my father and the bright, beautiful skin of a newborn; to have new life so close to death. It was surreal to sit in the hall feeding my little girl listening to the heart monitors of other patients and know that my father's heart will never beat again.

Despite everything I am so grateful for my beliefs. It is comforting to know I will see my father again. I know I will still cry, still miss him, and still wish that he wasn't taken so soon, but feeling the Holy Ghost comforting me is a wonderful blessing.

My father has written songs for all of my girls. Julie (my step-mom) told me that my dad had just finished Violet's song. He had played it for Julie just this past Sunday. I never will get to hear it in this life though. It hasn't been recorded. I wonder if my little Adelle was prompted or perhaps it is just coincidence, but Adelle actually wrote a song for Violet last night. It is simple and sweet.

I am glad I will always have my father's music. He of course is listed as my favorite musician on my blog. He truly is. He was never famous or made it rich, but I loved his music. He loved playing at the Roof Restaurant every Saturday night. I know his music will be missed there.

I know there will be an outpouring of love from everywhere. My dad touched so many lives and meant so much to so many people. I hope that people will know about his death so they can be there to say goodbye. I know how important that is to us as humans. We want that final moment to honor those we love.

I worry about Julie so much. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my love and companion. I hope we will be able to buoy her up in the days to come. I adore her and want to do anything I can to help her.

Wes is a wonderful support to me and even though he is sad he has been wonderful to help me. Right now we are just gathered in our home decompressing, calling loved ones, and coping. I know there will be work to do yet with funeral arrangements. The viewing is going to be Wednesday and the funeral will be Thursday.

I just had to write out my thoughts. It is part of my process of coming to terms. I also want those who love him to know. I will still be here. I will be missing him, my wonderful father, but I'll still be here.