Sweet Dreams

So my poor family has had to put up with me being less then civil recently. I haven't been monstrous, but I really have really been stressing. Perhaps it has been because of the sickness and the extra to do around the house, but I was getting wound so tight. Lists were circulating in my head of things that need to be done before Violet's arrival. Rooms that need arranging, cleaning, painting, furniture that needs to be moved. There are purchases that need to be made, baby clothes that need to be washed and put into drawers. The lists were piling up bigger and bigger, looming and towering over my head, and I was left with either no time or energy to even begin tackling everything. It was making me so frustrated. I just have to admit with my lack of energy, working full time, and the braxton hicks which are coming more frequently that I am not going to be superwomen and somehow make everything come together in a big, triumphant "TA DA" moment.

I like feeling in control. I like to organize and get things done. I like the thought of a natural labor because then I am still in some sort of control. When I was induced and had an epidural I felt entirely helpless to do anything for myself because I couldn't even move the lower half of my body or feel a thing. "You want me to push? I can't feel a thing or even sit up!" It's not that I want to be some amazing women, part of it really is that I don't want the control taken away from me. I guess you could call me a control freak. I'm really trying to work on it. Honestly being organized and getting things done can be a positive thing at times, but of course in everything there is an opposite side. Like when I'm grumping at my family to get things done because darn it it has to be done and I can't do it.

Anyway, I was reflecting last night on what is going on with me and why I have been so frustrated, upset, and less than patient. I asked Wes if I've been bossy recently and I got the quickest "Yes". I had already known it, but hearing it from his own lips just really cemented it for me. I was less than happy looking at this pattern that I have fallen into and honestly I was discouraged.

I decided to pray to Heavenly Father. It probably wasn't the best prayer. It was more a plea for help. To help me be better. To stop worrying and stressing so much. I didn't feel better after my prayer and honestly I hadn't probably given my prayer the time and energy that it deserved. I laid down in bed, my head still filling with lists, worries and concerns.

The most wonderful thing happened. I dreamed about my baby girl. She was born early, without a lot of fuss, in fact I think it was in a public place. She was beautiful and sweet. In my dream though Wes and I didn't have a thing prepared for her. We didn't have clothes, diapers, a car seat, na da, nothing. It just didn't even matter. Someone gave us a diaper and a onesie for her to wear and when she needed a new diaper somehow we had one there for us. The funny thing is she kept going through them like crazy, but it was okay. She was happy, sweet and we adored her. I was so happy and didn't have a care in the world because I had my beautiful girl.

Isn't it wonderful what God will give us sometimes. He gently takes us by the hand and reminds us what really matters. He wraps us in his arms and says "My darling daughter, why are you worrying about all these things that really don't matter. It is going to be okay". I am so grateful for my dream. It has really given me an inner peace again and I am so much happier. I am sure my family is grateful to see me happy this morning. It also reminds me of the birth of our Savior. He was born in the most humble circumstances, in a stable, and yet it was one of most glorious things that ever took place in human history. God will watch over and protect my family and I need to trust in him. Sure I can still prepare for Violet's birth, but if something doesn't get done, so what. It's okay. She'll still come and we will still love and adore her.