Remembering my Mother

I thought I would dedicate this post to my mother. 5 years ago Wednesday, August 6th she left us. Looking back I think it was one of the hardest if not the hardest time in my life. To suddenly lose someone that you love so much is devastating. When there is a suicide there are so many questions, especially "Why?'. As the years have gone by the sorrow has lessened. I still miss her and wish that she was here, but I have a knowledge that I will see her again.

Last Friday (the Friday before the Anniversary) Wes, the girls and I went to the Redwood Cemetery to visit her grave. We cleaned of her headstone and left some lillies from my front garden.

Her grave is located under a tree and there is a wonderful view of the Wasatch mountains.

My grandmother (her mother) is actually is buried right next to her.

Adelle mainly wanted to walk and look at the other graves and Wes went along with her.

Lydia and I sat near the grave and felt the calmness. It is somewhat of a spiritual experience for me to sit there and think of her.

There have been times in my life when I have distinctly felt my mother. I remember right before Christmas I when I was cutting out some patterns. Wes and I were making doll clothes for the girls. I am almost certain that she was there. I could just feel it. I think she was wanting to get sealed to her parents. I completed the sealing in February and what an amazing experience that was. I have never seen her, but I have felt her. The last time I really had that feeling was a few days after we found out that Wes had passed the bar. I was actually at work. I felt like she was congratulating us.

My mother was an amazing person. She had a spunk and an energy. There was an emotional charge to her. I remember as a kid some of the things that she did. I remember that we owned the Michael Jackson Thriller Video and I remember whenever we would put it on and that she would dance around the living room. She was often just downright silly. She used to lick our face and think it was the funniest thing ever. My poor family puts up with me doing this once in a while to them. I remember when I was a teenager that we really began to clash a lot. I think we were so much alike that it was easy to butt heads. When I got older we began to be close again. She loved my Lydia so much. Adelle wasn't born until after she had passed away. I actually found out I was pregnant with Adelle the day we buried my mother.

Sometimes I feel a grief that she is not here to see her grandchildren grow, but then I remember that she can see them. I have a very firm belief that the dead are aware of us and are watching us.

After we went to my mother's grave we stopped off at Leatherby's for Ice Cream. I really appreciated that my family came with me and I thought they should enjoy something sweet!
We all ordered kid size sundaes (yes, those are the kid size ones!), and enjoyed the scrumptious treat.

I ate every bite of mine. Wes and I are getting old though! Our stomachs couldn't handle so much ice cream. We went to the show that night and had that fun dramatic backstage drama. At least life stays interesting, right?